Closing my account involves a fax, where an email, internet, or phone will not do. I’ve sent a fax 3 times with instructions to close my account, everytime I call to confirm the closure, the outsourced representatives are annoyingly incoherent, diliberatly dodgy in their responses or absolutely have no idea what they’re doing. I just want my money. This is the last time I deal with this financial group. ever.

…

During intermission at an LSU play, my neighbor, returning to his seat, asked me if I was Nepalese.
“I had a friend who was from Nepalese.”
Nope, I’m Taiwanese.

I’m sitting in a 15-seat van on the way to Denton, Texas for Electric Latex, an electroacoustic festival held in the South. It’s an eight hour drive. We’re on hour 6. My electroacoustic professor and 7 composers. At any given time, there are 3 powerbooks/macbook pro’s being used. One is learning to program in java, one notating music, and I writing a blog post.

Yesterday I spent a hundred dollars at Kinkos making copies of my music for my portfolio. It makes me anxious wondering where I will be in a year. That the hundred dollars I just spent will probably be good enough to get me into a good doctoral program.

I told my sister last night that I felt I had finally begun to digest the things that I have learned here at LSU, Baton Rouge, and the people I’ve met here. I am a different person than when I arrived. I feel like a different person from 5 months ago. My transition into Baton Rouge was pretty smooth, will my next move be as easy?

Thanksgiving is coming up and I wonder what I will be doing. 2 years ago, I had a turkey sandwich and fell asleep in my living room (on my futon - my bed at the time). Last year, I went home for Thanksgiving. This year, I’m not sure.

I’ve renewed my vision on leaving Baton Rouge and moving with my life, getting into a doctoral program and getting better at everything. I’ve learned several things about myself in the past couple weeks- things that have changed since I’ve been here. I think since I’m looking forward to leaving, I’m becoming more independent. It’s time to think about myself for a while.

I played Double Dragon 2 for the first time yesterday on my mac. I can not believe how hard it was. I was literally stuck on one section, where I had to jump a string of disappearing platforms, for an hour. One hour. I don’t know how anyone could have done it on the classic NES. The attack buttons change with the orientation of your character! Punch is not always A and kick is not always B. Jumping is A and B..

I had the luxury of using the built-in game genie, which prevented me from losing lives from energy loss, water, and pits. I feel like I had a better gaming experience than I would have back in 198X, getting to play it a quiet booth in a coffeeshop.

One of the first things the graduate advisor told me 2 years ago during orientation was that it was going to be hot in Baton Rouge. And the best way to stay cool walking around campus was to find routes that involved the most shade, even if it involved a longer route.

He was completely right. Walking from the school of music to the library doesn’t take longer than 5 minutes. But within those 5 minutes on a normal, I’ll have sweat more than I do at the gym.

I’ve figured out several routes that involve walking through administrative buildings that I would otherwise have no business being in and hugging building walls with large overhangs to avoid heat stroke. I swear, my next school wil have much cooler climate.

I really can not interact with someone who I can not trust.

What is even worse, if you’re really high the trust strata, and you lost it. It’s damn near impossible for me to even think about you.

I’ve thought about it several times, but I’m unable to name any specific school but general areas. I want to go North. Chicago, Indiana, NY, Boston, Michigan? -maybe even Europe.
So, tomorrow I start my next step in my future: I’ll be researching schools with PhD programs in Music Composition that place an emphasis on ‘New Music’ and encourage performances. It’s seems a little awkward- I have yet to move into my new apartment and have a another year of classes, and I am already planning on starting my next degree. I hope by the time I turn 25 (January 19th), I will have a good idea where I will be for the next 4 or 5 years.

Shane (future roommate) has joked about him starting his Master’s at the same place I start my PhD. What a weird feeling- since my notion before coming here was that I would mostly have no obligation, long-standing tie, or person following me out of Baton Rouge.

From there, I will have vague outlines of enriching my life- buying a house, marriage, children, etc.

I wonder how I will be in 5 years. 30. Will I regret plowing straight through school taken no breaks. Will I be burnt out? Will I be a great composer? Will I be alive? Will I have the same views I have now? Will I know the same people I know now? Will the people and things I love still be around? Someone please remind me in 5 years to look back and answer myself.

I’m taking a theory seminar on the metrical dissonances in Brahm’s music. But that’s a completely different topic. Other than that, I’m taking more lessons with Dinos. I have a lot of music to write for certain people and it’s been going pretty slowly. The work flow has come to grinding halt.

And I fear I am be getting a little depressed. I haven’t been sleeping much since school has started. Ultimate has picked a great deal, with Club practice, summer league, and pickup. Anxiety to write more music has me pulling my hair out at Highland everyday. Being at Highland has caused me to drink more coffee than any human should. I feel like my blood pressure has gone up significantly. I haven’t much time to relax. I have Dance Fever every Saturday.
I’ve been trying to not get involved with any girls. In the past week, I’ve been told am lame. And someone else has pre-emptively rejected me before I even made a move. The latter was a little hard to swallow, since I had no intention of making a move and I was just told not to bother. I feel I internalize everything and a lot of things affect me physically. I’m somewhat fatigued everyday. I’m less sharp and I feel like I’m constantly between sleep.

I’m finishing up a trumpet and flute duet and looking for move on to… either a string quartet, piano trio, brass quintet, wind band piece or a vocal&harpsichord piece. All of which should be finished before August.

If I were in Baton Rouge, I would most likely be at Highland Coffee from 9:30pm to 11pm, either working on music or getting into arguments with Shane, my future roommate, about music. And not having done any of those, I caved and went to the local Starbucks to get some coffee and try to do some work.

I normally only drink coffee in the evenings, when it seems that I need some energy. But having gone without it for almost 2 weeks, it’s made me kind of wired, in an antsy, cannot focus sort of way. So much for concentrating.

***

A group of my friends in Baton Rouge come from Lake Charles, a town largely devastated by Hurricane Rita in 2005, that seems built out of industry and gambling. As expected, everyone at LSU from Lake Charles knows each other. But what is striking is their continued association in college. My experience in my undergrad was the expansion of social groups. Not that they don’t have any friends outside of Lake Charles, but their past romantic hit-or-misses have largely been, as it seems to be, from a closely wound knit of each other. An incestuous coterie that can be connected in as little as three degrees of separation.

This whole situation may not be unusual, but I hate the idea of knowing I’ve kissed the same person my friend has. It’s a questionable connection, none too remarkable, and easily, the germ of future crises.